It has been almost a year since I last blogged. A lot has has happened over that year. I've become a working mom, a Master's degree recipient, an unemployed mom, a working mom, an unemployed mom, and a business woman all in that short period of time.
I've been up and I've been down. I've been happy, depressed, and anxious.
I've lost an aunt unnaturally and I've lost two aunts naturally.
This post won't be about any of that. This post will be about how I have had faith, lost faith, and regained faith.
I've had faith
At my last job, I had become extremely depressed and anxious. It was not the place for me. I couldn't handle it. I cried daily on the drive in. Some days I cried on my lunch hour. I had panic attacks during my calls with customers. I literally put customers on hold to have panic attacks in the bathroom. It was not a good life for me. A panic disorder is not a good life for anybody, especially when it's triggered by work. If you're going to be at a place 40 hours a week, you must be able to bear it right? So I decided to step out on faith and quit my job. In my heart of hearts I knew God would not let me down. He would bless me with a job, preferably in my HR field. I would use my degree to his glory and be happy all the while. I had so much faith. I rejoiced on my last day of work. God had me. The devil was defeated. My soul was free at last from oppression. I even had an interview lined up for the week after my last week of work. Watch God work!! Hallelujah!!!
I've lost faith
I went into that interview with my natural teeny weeny afro slicked back into a wavy corporate number. I was suited and booted, with my purse in one hand and my resume portfolio case in the other. I was ready to knock that sucker out and start working in my HR position ASAP. Then this thing happened where the receptionist said the interviewer didn't have any interviews scheduled for that day and she told me the position had been filled. How could this be? How could someone call me and specifically give me the date and time to be there for a position I had applied for? I still had a record of the phone call on my phone. That's when I lost faith. Oh shoot, this whole job search thing will not be a walk in the park. What am I going to do? What is my family going to do? I thought God had me.
A few more interviews passed over the next couple months. At one interview when I hit the interviewer with my money question I learned at my internship, she answered with she was apprehensive about me working there because she could tell I was shy. What the world? Shy? Yeah, I may be a little quiet. You may even consider me shy. But that's no excuse to disregard me from a position in which a) I'm qualified for and b) I'd sitting at a computer all day. Being shy has never thwarted any of my goals, dreams, aspirations, academic achievements, or work achievements.
Seriously, God, do you have me? I mean what is really going on? I'm starting to think you're playing with my emotions. Do you want to see your child hurt and struggle? Did I do something wrong? Oh shoot, I was suppose to stay at that job and continue to suffer from anxiety and not do my work to the best of my ability so I could eventually get fired. I guess that was your plan, huh? You wanted me to suffer like in the old testament days. I thought when Jesus came, you switched some of that stuff up.
My faith was so far gone. I was questioning God left and right. I was a crying mess. I got so low that most days I didn't even want to pray. What was the point?
I've regained faith
April 29th started off like most Sundays. My family and I prepared for church. We got there and took our seats in the balcony. I noticed most of the women of the church were dressed in white, which was strange. I forgot it was Women's Day and we had a guest preacher, Pam McLaughlin of Mt. Olivet Baptist Church in Petersburg, VA.
I was relieved Olivia went to sleep right away, so I could freely receive the word from God and get my praise on without having to take her downstairs to calm down or to change a diaper. I was sitting there in expectation of a get me happy type sermon. You know the sermon where the preacher says your breakthrough is on the way. One of those get up and praise God in advance because the blessings are about rain down so much that you won't have room to receive them type joints. I was ready to hear that confirmation of "someone in this congregation today is about to receive a job."
The sermon didn't quite go that way. It started off a little slow in my book. It was one of those teaching sermons, but I didn't think my heart or mind was open to receiving a teaching word. I wanted to be preached happy.
Rev. McLaughlin was teaching us about the elements of the anointing oil that Mary the sister of Lazarus and Martha used on Christ's feet. She taught us about how each of the siblings played a role in the way they worshiped God. She taught that Mary had something different. She wasn't like Martha, who wanted to help out anywhere she could. Martha had a serving spirit. Mary wasn't like Lazarus. Lazarus was a walking testimony because he had been raised from the dead and he naturally brought people together for the Lord.
Throughout the sermon, the reverend would alternate between the discussion about the ingredients of the anointing oil and the siblings' characteristics, but it was something special about the way she talked about that oil that Mary used. Each element seemed so special and unique. When Rev. McLaughlin got to the part about beating the rod of one of the ingredients (it may have been cassia but don't quote me). She explained how it had to be beaten in order to go into the oil, just as Jesus had to be beaten before he died on the cross. That's when something strange happened. She said that someone in the church had been going on interviews and hearing no over and over again. That person felt crazy because they wouldn't stop applying for jobs even though they had heard no so many times. That's when the tears streamed down my face. How could she know this? At this point I had applied for well over 100 jobs. I had been offered regular or phone interviews for about 5 of them, but I kept hearing no. My faith was shot, but for some reason I couldn't stop applying for jobs. She had an explanation though - it's the anointing.
Hold up, wait, stop the presses. I've been going to church for a long time, over 25 years to be exact. I accepted Christ as my Lord and savior at the tender age of 4. I've never thought about having an anointing. I wasn't even quite sure what the anointing was for most of my life. I can't even tell you if I'm sure of what it is now. In other words, I've never considered myself an anointed individual. There are many other terms and phrases in the bible that could describe me at different points in my life: backslider, ye of little faith, joyful noise maker, mourner, person with faith to move mountains, etc. Anointed has never ever been in my vocabulary. Rev. McLaughlin said the anointing requires you to get beat down. In order to have this special gift from God you had to get a taste of what it felt like to be beaten down just like that one ingredient in the anointing oil.
Then the preacher made a point about why do you think all these "crazy" people are drawn to you that you cannot get away from. She said there are people in your life, but you don't understand why they are there. She explained that God assigns people to us. We're suppose to help them. There's a reason for them being in our lives when we're getting the anointing. This made me think about a few strange things that happened to me where I was led to talk to certain individuals about certain situations that God revealed to me. At the time of the revelations, I had no idea why these things were revealed to me. I thought it was strange. I cried and I prayed. I was hesitant, but I did what the Lord required me to do. Here's the thing, when I have these revelations about people, I don't really know them. These aren't people I'm close to in my day to day life. They're almost like random strangers that I feel strongly connected to for no apparent reason.
At some point the reverend finished the sermon, but she wasn't done yet. I was still in tears. I was hot. I was sweaty. My legs felt weak. I was shaking. I had a chill. There was like a thick air in the church. It's hard to explain if you've never experienced it before. The preacher said it was the glory falling down. It was a strangely intense sensation. That's the only way I know to explain it. It had to be the glory.
The preacher still wasn't done. She started speaking in tongues. At my church we don't really have people speaking in tongues. Sometimes people shout, but a lot of them stop when the drummer stops. I'm just being real. Our preacher doesn't lay hands. No one passes out. No one prophesies. It's just not like that. To be honest with you, I always liked it that way. I never really believed in that extra stuff. I had seen it on tv and it looked fake to me. Boy was I wrong. Don't ever question people's worship. Just because you haven't ever experienced it, it doesn't mean it's not real.
The preacher didn't stop with speaking in tongues. She started prophesying. It was crazy. She started laying hands on people's knees and foreheads. People who to my knowledge had never spoken in tongues, spoke in tongues that day. People were falling out. Prayer clothes and sheets were placed over those stretched on the floor. It was real. I could still feel the thickness in the air. My legs felt so weak, but I continued to stand. I stood for over an hour.
Rev. McLaughlin started calling names. She said the spirit was giving her so many names. She said Sherell. She was like is there a Sherell in the building. Maybe a Sherea (pronounced Shereka without the "k"). That's when things got even realer for me. Shereka is not a common name. People don't pop out the blue with Shereka or anything close to my name. In my heart of hearts and soul of souls, I know the spirit was trying to tell the preacher my name. I almost left the balcony, but a young girl named Sherell popped up and the preacher spoke to her instead. It was fine though. I got the message the Trinity wanted me to have. My faith is renewed. I'm restored. There's a purpose for my life. There's a reason why I'm going through what I'm going through. Eventually the process will be over. Eventually I will have what God intended for me to have, but first I have to go through this. I have to do His work and live out His will for my life.
I may not know what career I'm suppose to have, but that day, I realized what spiritual gift I have. Thank you for your revelations dear God. I may not be the best Christian. Some people may even find me controversial, but guess what: God is not through with me yet. I'm his child. He loves me. He created me with a purpose. I'm here for a reason. I'm not going anywhere. I love God. I love my brothers and sisters in Christ. I love those who have not found Him yet. I'm blessed with a God who continues to provide for me no matter what. I'm blessed with a God who reigns over the just and the unjust. As His child it's not my business to go around trying to tell people where they will spend eternity. I'm not the Judge. I'm not even in the jury. God doesn't need a jury. I have to let my light shine. No, I said that wrong. I have to let His light shine through me so others can see Him in me. God is love. God is real.
