Mommy Guilt

The first time I felt mommy guilt or the "baby blues" was in the wee hours of the morning while still in the hospital. Baby O wouldn't stop crying no matter how much I nursed her, how often I changed her diaper, or how I cuddled her. So I gave her a pacifier, which the hospital strongly advised against. The paci made her content for a lil while, but she still seemed hungry. I tried over and over to nurse her, but my milk wasn't in.

I broke down crying hysterically and called my mom. It was 1am and she was fast asleep, but she told me it was ok to give my baby formula. For some reason I felt so guilty about giving my baby that unnatural breastmilk alternative. Everyone knows breastmilk is best. How could I give my baby the worst? But that didn't stop me from requesting it from the nurse. The nurse tried to talk me out of it. I had to sign a waiver. But my daughter needed to eat.

She ate. She slept peacefully. More peacefully than she ever had. I was able to rest too. Formula was my friend until the nurse on the next shift came in.

She scolded me about the paci, and she was against the evil formula. I felt bad, and agreed to use a pump. So I pumped colostrum till I left the hospital after a 4 day long stay. My milk still wasn't in.

Immediately after discharge O had her first doctor's visit. I didn't want to breastfeed, and I didn't have a pump. It was time for her to eat, so I gave her formula. After we left the doctor we went immediately to Babies R Us to purchase a pump.

My milk finally came in on day 5. I was excited. I pumped like crazy, but then I had a minor setback with my c-section recovery that required meds. The medication gave O diarrhea, which meant a week's worth of pumping and dumping. It broke my heart to pour my liquid gold down the drain. I cried because guilt set in again. Then a piece on my pump broke. It was a Sunday night and every store that sold the part was closed. My supply took such a nosedive that when O could have breastmilk again that hardly anything came out.

I tried drinking Mother's Milk Tea. I tried pumping more, but I soon became exhausted. I realized that breastfeeding/ pumping wasn't working for us. Sometimes I feel guilty about that still, but I try to remember my mom's words of wisdom.

She explained to me when I was on the meds that she and all her 8 siblings were breastfed. She still got diabetes and so did a sister. Another sister got high blood pressure. Her mom died from cervical cancer. Things that breastfeeding should prevent in the children and the mother. Although breast may be best, it's not a cureall. My mom never breastfed me or my sister. We both graduated high school in the top 5% of our class and went to college on full academic scholarships. Apparently formula doesn't dumb a person down too much. My sister and I are relatively healthy. Yes we have moderate food allergies, but I know of a breastfed baby with severe food allergies.

It took 6 weeks for me to come to the realization that giving my child formula doesn't make me less of a mother than the next chick. I'm a mother because I love my child,  and I'll do anything to make sure she's happy and healthy. There's no need in crying over spilled (breast)milk.