Those of you who keep up with my blog know that I stated that I was healed a few weeks ago. I still claim my healing, but the road to recovery is still a long one.
My past rape traumas no longer control my life, but every now and then the PTSD and depression creep back up when triggered by new situations.
I hate the feeling of anxiety and being on high alert all of the time. Once the anxiety starts, my depression comes right along to remind me how much of a loser I am for being so anxious. It's a really bad combination and I'm really trying not to be buried by these feelings.
Pray for me...
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Friday, November 9, 2012
I'm a Mommy Now
On Tuesday, November 6, 2012, I woke up around 6:30am nervous. I had so much anxiety concerning the election, and I decided to pray. I prayed that God would bless our nation with a leader who cared about us and our struggles. I prayed that God would guide us to make the best decision for our country at the polls and that people would not be blinded by lies. And lastly I prayed that God would keep a hedge of protection around my family no matter the outcome of the election.
I was on pins and needles the entire day and night while waiting for the outcome of the local and national elections. While I was waiting, I realized that never in my history of voting, since I turned 18 in 2004, had I ever been so concerned about the outcome of the election.
In 2004, the presidential candidate I voted for lost. I was a college freshman and I was excited about voting in my first election, but the outcome didn't seem like such a big deal to me back then.
Fast forward to 2008 when Barack Obama first ran for president, then I was in a different place. I had just graduated from college and moved to a new city where I hardly knew anyone. I was working full-time and struggling to put gas in my car and eat twice a day. I believed that Mr. Obama was the change we needed and that he would help me stop being so broke. I was thrilled to tears that he won. I cried so hard that night because I knew history had been made. I honestly never thought I would see a black family in the White House during my lifetime.
I will make a very important point here, I would have voted for Mr. Obama no matter what color his skin was. Four years prior I had no problems voting for a white man. To me it wasn't about his skin color. If Barack Obama was the Republican candidate he would have never earned my vote in 2008 or 2012.
As you can probably gather by the way this post is going, I was excited about Tuesday's election results nationally. I was pissed about how things ended up in North Carolina, but I guess you can't win them all. What mattered most to me is that the entire country wasn't trying to stay in the dark ages. It blessed my soul to witness such progress. Not only did President Obama get re-elected, but many of the Republicans who made the most idiotic comments about rape and women's rights were ousted, the first openly gay senator was elected to the Senate, the first Hindu was elected to the House, and the first Buddhist was elected to the Senate. How awesome is all of that?!?!!?
This election meant so much to me because I could be proud to raise my daughter in a country that is growing in tolerance by leaps and bounds. I never want her to go to school and experience some of the things I experienced in Shelby, NC, when I was growing up.
Olivia should never have to hear a white person use the term "nigger" when describing a certain black person they don't like while sitting in a high school math class. She should never have to share a seat on a school bus with a white boy who crafts a noose out of a tiny piece of rope who proceeds to tell her that his uncle has a tree he can hang her from in the backyard. She should never have to see more Confederate flags than American flags displayed on her classmate's attire, notebooks, backpacks, cars, and homes. She should never have the school officials tell everyone that solid colored bandanas are not allowed, but rebel flag ones are okay. She should never have to see a fight between a white boy and black boy because the white boy called a black girl a "nigger." She should never have to read on the front page of the newspaper about the KKK marching in downtown.
See growing up I experienced all of this and more. So I shouldn't have been surprised when the Facebook posts started popping up from individuals from in and around my hometown talking about the world coming to an end and Jesus coming back because Barack Obama was re-elected. I shouldn't have been surprised when people on Twitter talked about that "nigger" going back to the White House. I shouldn't have been surprised that people I consider friends, classmates, and customers have such hatred in their hearts towards a president who wants the good for everyone in America. I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was.
Most of all I was hurt because I don't want Olivia growing up in this type of America. I don't want her to be judged by her skin color. I refuse to teach her to mistreat anyone because they are different than she is. I don't care if a person is black, white, blue, red, orange, purple, or green; I don't care if a person is gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, or trisexual; I don't care what religion a person agrees with of if they have no religion at all; I will raise my daughter to respect and accept every person as an individual. I will teach her to appreciate the beauty of the diversity that is around her. And I will teach her that the best thing about America is that it's a melting pot of cultures, people, and ideas.
With all of these thoughts running through my head, I came to the realization that I'm a mommy now. As a mommy, I want the absolute best for my daughter. I'm convinced that the best is yet to come, despite the ignorance of some and I thank God that most Americans are not like the people in my hometown and many other southern towns.
I was on pins and needles the entire day and night while waiting for the outcome of the local and national elections. While I was waiting, I realized that never in my history of voting, since I turned 18 in 2004, had I ever been so concerned about the outcome of the election.
In 2004, the presidential candidate I voted for lost. I was a college freshman and I was excited about voting in my first election, but the outcome didn't seem like such a big deal to me back then.
Fast forward to 2008 when Barack Obama first ran for president, then I was in a different place. I had just graduated from college and moved to a new city where I hardly knew anyone. I was working full-time and struggling to put gas in my car and eat twice a day. I believed that Mr. Obama was the change we needed and that he would help me stop being so broke. I was thrilled to tears that he won. I cried so hard that night because I knew history had been made. I honestly never thought I would see a black family in the White House during my lifetime.
I will make a very important point here, I would have voted for Mr. Obama no matter what color his skin was. Four years prior I had no problems voting for a white man. To me it wasn't about his skin color. If Barack Obama was the Republican candidate he would have never earned my vote in 2008 or 2012.
As you can probably gather by the way this post is going, I was excited about Tuesday's election results nationally. I was pissed about how things ended up in North Carolina, but I guess you can't win them all. What mattered most to me is that the entire country wasn't trying to stay in the dark ages. It blessed my soul to witness such progress. Not only did President Obama get re-elected, but many of the Republicans who made the most idiotic comments about rape and women's rights were ousted, the first openly gay senator was elected to the Senate, the first Hindu was elected to the House, and the first Buddhist was elected to the Senate. How awesome is all of that?!?!!?
This election meant so much to me because I could be proud to raise my daughter in a country that is growing in tolerance by leaps and bounds. I never want her to go to school and experience some of the things I experienced in Shelby, NC, when I was growing up.
Olivia should never have to hear a white person use the term "nigger" when describing a certain black person they don't like while sitting in a high school math class. She should never have to share a seat on a school bus with a white boy who crafts a noose out of a tiny piece of rope who proceeds to tell her that his uncle has a tree he can hang her from in the backyard. She should never have to see more Confederate flags than American flags displayed on her classmate's attire, notebooks, backpacks, cars, and homes. She should never have the school officials tell everyone that solid colored bandanas are not allowed, but rebel flag ones are okay. She should never have to see a fight between a white boy and black boy because the white boy called a black girl a "nigger." She should never have to read on the front page of the newspaper about the KKK marching in downtown.
See growing up I experienced all of this and more. So I shouldn't have been surprised when the Facebook posts started popping up from individuals from in and around my hometown talking about the world coming to an end and Jesus coming back because Barack Obama was re-elected. I shouldn't have been surprised when people on Twitter talked about that "nigger" going back to the White House. I shouldn't have been surprised that people I consider friends, classmates, and customers have such hatred in their hearts towards a president who wants the good for everyone in America. I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was.
Most of all I was hurt because I don't want Olivia growing up in this type of America. I don't want her to be judged by her skin color. I refuse to teach her to mistreat anyone because they are different than she is. I don't care if a person is black, white, blue, red, orange, purple, or green; I don't care if a person is gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, or trisexual; I don't care what religion a person agrees with of if they have no religion at all; I will raise my daughter to respect and accept every person as an individual. I will teach her to appreciate the beauty of the diversity that is around her. And I will teach her that the best thing about America is that it's a melting pot of cultures, people, and ideas.
With all of these thoughts running through my head, I came to the realization that I'm a mommy now. As a mommy, I want the absolute best for my daughter. I'm convinced that the best is yet to come, despite the ignorance of some and I thank God that most Americans are not like the people in my hometown and many other southern towns.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
It Feels Good to be Back
It's crazy how you can lose yourself for over 9 years due to your circumstances and unfortunate things that happened in your life. I'm so happy to be back to my old self. I missed the happy, vibrant, silly, exuberant, and confident Shereka.
I don't ever want to lose myself again. The difference between now and when I lost myself, is that now I realize that I have a power on the inside of me that is so much stronger than any force that comes to attack me from the outside.
See in this game of life you must play the cards you've been dealt. If you allow your sorry hand to dictate your game plan, you're screwed.
I refuse to be screwed again, and I refuse to lose my joy again.
I used to be so apprehensive about the unknown and the future, but now I'm ready to step into my destiny. No matter what happens, I know something good will come from my life's work.
Now that the real me is back, I'm actually able to dream again. I have goals again. I want to change the world. I want to advocate for survivors. I want to motivate others. I want to be a true inspiration. I want people to see the God in me. I want to spread Christ's love. Not only do I want to do these things, but I will do these things.
It feels so good to be back and I'm ready to get things started. As the saying goes, watch me work!!
I don't ever want to lose myself again. The difference between now and when I lost myself, is that now I realize that I have a power on the inside of me that is so much stronger than any force that comes to attack me from the outside.
See in this game of life you must play the cards you've been dealt. If you allow your sorry hand to dictate your game plan, you're screwed.
I refuse to be screwed again, and I refuse to lose my joy again.
I used to be so apprehensive about the unknown and the future, but now I'm ready to step into my destiny. No matter what happens, I know something good will come from my life's work.
Now that the real me is back, I'm actually able to dream again. I have goals again. I want to change the world. I want to advocate for survivors. I want to motivate others. I want to be a true inspiration. I want people to see the God in me. I want to spread Christ's love. Not only do I want to do these things, but I will do these things.
It feels so good to be back and I'm ready to get things started. As the saying goes, watch me work!!
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Graduation
Today I graduated from therapy. I could have said I had my last session, but saying I graduated sounds better.
I went into my therapist's office today without even knowing it would be my last time seeing her. After our usual check-in, she told me she was proud of me and that I would make an excellent advocate for domestic violence and sexual assault victims. She said that I seem like a totally different person than a month ago and it's nice to see me smile. She made me promise her that I would give her a call after I talked to my first group about domestic violence and/or sexual assault awareness.
I called my favorite cousin after my visit (since my husband was at work), and she said something that made a ton of sense: Most people stay in therapy so long because they don't acknowledge that they have a problem.
Before I started therapy, I knew that their was something broken inside of me, and I started therapy in expectation that God could work through my therapist to help me find my healing. I'm blessed beyond measure because I know I'm healed now. I am so grateful to God and so many people who have helped me in this journey to becoming a better, happier, more positive Shereka. I have the best Savior, family, friends, facebook friends, and therapist in the world.
I'll end this post with my favorite lyrics from the song, Broken But I'm Healed by Byron Cage:
God can heal, He can deliver.
He can mend your brokenness.
He has a miracle to fit your needs,
Once you trust Him, you will receive.
God knows about your situation,
But with every test and every trial there is revelation,
That God is able to supply every one of your needs;
He's here to touch you, heal you, He'll set you free.
I went into my therapist's office today without even knowing it would be my last time seeing her. After our usual check-in, she told me she was proud of me and that I would make an excellent advocate for domestic violence and sexual assault victims. She said that I seem like a totally different person than a month ago and it's nice to see me smile. She made me promise her that I would give her a call after I talked to my first group about domestic violence and/or sexual assault awareness.
I called my favorite cousin after my visit (since my husband was at work), and she said something that made a ton of sense: Most people stay in therapy so long because they don't acknowledge that they have a problem.
Before I started therapy, I knew that their was something broken inside of me, and I started therapy in expectation that God could work through my therapist to help me find my healing. I'm blessed beyond measure because I know I'm healed now. I am so grateful to God and so many people who have helped me in this journey to becoming a better, happier, more positive Shereka. I have the best Savior, family, friends, facebook friends, and therapist in the world.
I'll end this post with my favorite lyrics from the song, Broken But I'm Healed by Byron Cage:
God can heal, He can deliver.
He can mend your brokenness.
He has a miracle to fit your needs,
Once you trust Him, you will receive.
God knows about your situation,
But with every test and every trial there is revelation,
That God is able to supply every one of your needs;
He's here to touch you, heal you, He'll set you free.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Life Changes
Recently I have changed my mindset, which has changed my life.
I decided to change my negative perspective on life, which was inspired by therapy, my spiritual breakthrough, and some very good friends. A month or so ago, I never really understood how negative thoughts, had negative consequences on my life. Whenever you allow your mind to be overwhelmed by negativity, you only hurt yourself, and I can honestly say that was the reason for a majority of my anxiety and depression.
Now, I'm trying to see the positivity in everything. I won't lie and say it's easy because it's not easy at all. It is getting easier as time progresses, though.
I'm very excited about all of the changes that are taking place in my life now, instead of being apprehensive about any and everything that happens. For once I'm not even expecting the worst from all of the changes. Some of the very big changes taking place before the end of 2012 for my family and me include: my husband is turning 30, we're moving to a house in the country, and my daughter is turning 2! How awesome is that?!?!?!?!
The moral of this post is change your mind and you'll change your life.
I decided to change my negative perspective on life, which was inspired by therapy, my spiritual breakthrough, and some very good friends. A month or so ago, I never really understood how negative thoughts, had negative consequences on my life. Whenever you allow your mind to be overwhelmed by negativity, you only hurt yourself, and I can honestly say that was the reason for a majority of my anxiety and depression.
Now, I'm trying to see the positivity in everything. I won't lie and say it's easy because it's not easy at all. It is getting easier as time progresses, though.
I'm very excited about all of the changes that are taking place in my life now, instead of being apprehensive about any and everything that happens. For once I'm not even expecting the worst from all of the changes. Some of the very big changes taking place before the end of 2012 for my family and me include: my husband is turning 30, we're moving to a house in the country, and my daughter is turning 2! How awesome is that?!?!?!?!
The moral of this post is change your mind and you'll change your life.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
My Breakthrough
On September 11th, I wrote about my struggles with PTSD after being raped twice. I received a lot of feedback from that post and it was mostly positive. I won't dwell on the negativity because I'm trying to change my negative view on life to a positive outlook.
Since my last post, I've started therapy. I'm not ashamed to admit that and I'm happy to be doing the work needed, so that my faith doesn't die. ("Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." - James 2:17 NIV)
Once I started therapy I was not only diagnosed with PTSD, but clinical depression as well. A few days after that diagnosis, my temporary job ended. If I were the person I used to be, the lay-off would have sent me over the edge or deeper into depression.
I was in such a vulnerable and low state on September 11th, but now I'm bouncing back. What changed? How did I become so resilient in such a short period of time? I had a spiritual breakthrough.
Now, you may be wondering what a spiritual breakthrough is. I wondered the same thing when I was trying to define what happened to me and with my trusty tool, Google, I was able to find an answer.
The rut I experienced had kept me from experiencing joy, peace, and happiness for over 9 years. When I wrote that blog post last month, that's when I made my choice to come of out that rut. At that time I didn't even know that was a part of my breakthrough.
Truth be told, I didn't realize I had experienced a spiritual breakthrough until yesterday when I ran across the notebook in which I had written down what that 2nd perpetrator had done to me on August 22nd and 23rd, 2006. I had blocked out so many of the details of that tragic time in my life that I didn't even remember that the dude I was dating at that time raped me more than once. I didn't realize that the things he said and did to me were actually domestic violence until I read the account yesterday.
I have read my story over 10 times since finding that notebook yesterday and I have not shed one tear. I have not allowed myself to play the victim role. I am a survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence, and I am not ashamed. I will allow God to use me the way he sees fit to spread awareness of these two societal ills until I die.
I thank God for his plan for my life. It was never my plan to blog about my experiences or to even go back to therapy. But I'm so thankful that I had my spiritual breakthrough. Now I'm learning to change the negative thoughts that have controlled my mind for so many years into positive ones, and my therapist calls this cognitive-behavior therapy. Some people of faith may call this speaking life into my situations. Either way, it's already working and I'm ecstatic.
I pray that this post will have the same impact as my last post. Thanks for reading!
Since my last post, I've started therapy. I'm not ashamed to admit that and I'm happy to be doing the work needed, so that my faith doesn't die. ("Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." - James 2:17 NIV)
Once I started therapy I was not only diagnosed with PTSD, but clinical depression as well. A few days after that diagnosis, my temporary job ended. If I were the person I used to be, the lay-off would have sent me over the edge or deeper into depression.
I was in such a vulnerable and low state on September 11th, but now I'm bouncing back. What changed? How did I become so resilient in such a short period of time? I had a spiritual breakthrough.
Now, you may be wondering what a spiritual breakthrough is. I wondered the same thing when I was trying to define what happened to me and with my trusty tool, Google, I was able to find an answer.
The rut I experienced had kept me from experiencing joy, peace, and happiness for over 9 years. When I wrote that blog post last month, that's when I made my choice to come of out that rut. At that time I didn't even know that was a part of my breakthrough.
Truth be told, I didn't realize I had experienced a spiritual breakthrough until yesterday when I ran across the notebook in which I had written down what that 2nd perpetrator had done to me on August 22nd and 23rd, 2006. I had blocked out so many of the details of that tragic time in my life that I didn't even remember that the dude I was dating at that time raped me more than once. I didn't realize that the things he said and did to me were actually domestic violence until I read the account yesterday.
I have read my story over 10 times since finding that notebook yesterday and I have not shed one tear. I have not allowed myself to play the victim role. I am a survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence, and I am not ashamed. I will allow God to use me the way he sees fit to spread awareness of these two societal ills until I die.
I thank God for his plan for my life. It was never my plan to blog about my experiences or to even go back to therapy. But I'm so thankful that I had my spiritual breakthrough. Now I'm learning to change the negative thoughts that have controlled my mind for so many years into positive ones, and my therapist calls this cognitive-behavior therapy. Some people of faith may call this speaking life into my situations. Either way, it's already working and I'm ecstatic.
I pray that this post will have the same impact as my last post. Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
It's Back
Today is Patriot Day. It's the day we remember the victims of the 9/11/2011 terrorist attacks on United States soil. For many Americans, the images of the planes crashing into the Twin Towers is burned into our memories never to be erased.
But this post is not about that. This post is about PTSD. Many survivors of 9/11 and many brave men and women who fought to protect our freedom after the attacks, face PTSD. What some people don't know is that anyone who has faced a traumatic event can have PTSD.
In my case, my PTSD is also known as Rape Trauma Syndrome. I have been raped twice in my life. Once at age 16 and again at age 19. Two different assailants, but the same torture.
February 28, 2013, will mark the 10th anniversary of my first attack. Sometime near the end of August 2012 marked the 6th anniversary of my second attack. I blocked the date of the second attack from my mind, which is rare because I'm really good with dates.
There was a point when I couldn't even utter the "R" word. I was a prisoner in my own mind and body, but eventually I got past that with the help of Jesus, counseling, and friends.
For some reason, my PTSD is back and it has been back since about November 2011. It slowly crept back up with panic attacks, depression, flashbacks, mood swings, crying spells, angry outbursts, hypervigilance, trouble concentrating, and the need to run away from things that cause me stress.
When I think about it, my PTSD has actually reared it's head at other times in my life following my second recovery. It has shown up every time I've worked in a call center environment. It showed up during pregnancy, labor, and the first few months of Olivia's life.
A lot of people don't know my story, or my testimony as I like to call it. They assume that some of my quirky character traits are a result of me being crazy and/or mean. They don't understand that fear has paralyzed all of my adult life. They don't know that I don't remember how to enjoy extended moments of happiness. They don't know that I don't remember the things that used to bring me joy before February 28, 2003. They don't know that I can't keep friends because I'm easily offended and I feel like people are trying to intentionally hurt me. They don't know any of these things and they probably don't care to know.
These past 9.5 years have been a bit difficult for me, but I have been blessed abundantly despite everything. I have a wonderful husband who God created just for me. I have a beautiful, intelligent daughter who I vow to protect as long as I have breath in my body. I have a better relationship with my other family. I thank God for my blessings, but I'm ready to get this proverbial monkey off my back. So I know what I have to do.
My 26th birthday is only 3 days away, and I promise that my 26th year of life will be much better than my 25th. To God be the glory because I claim it in the name of Jesus.
But this post is not about that. This post is about PTSD. Many survivors of 9/11 and many brave men and women who fought to protect our freedom after the attacks, face PTSD. What some people don't know is that anyone who has faced a traumatic event can have PTSD.
In my case, my PTSD is also known as Rape Trauma Syndrome. I have been raped twice in my life. Once at age 16 and again at age 19. Two different assailants, but the same torture.
February 28, 2013, will mark the 10th anniversary of my first attack. Sometime near the end of August 2012 marked the 6th anniversary of my second attack. I blocked the date of the second attack from my mind, which is rare because I'm really good with dates.
There was a point when I couldn't even utter the "R" word. I was a prisoner in my own mind and body, but eventually I got past that with the help of Jesus, counseling, and friends.
For some reason, my PTSD is back and it has been back since about November 2011. It slowly crept back up with panic attacks, depression, flashbacks, mood swings, crying spells, angry outbursts, hypervigilance, trouble concentrating, and the need to run away from things that cause me stress.
When I think about it, my PTSD has actually reared it's head at other times in my life following my second recovery. It has shown up every time I've worked in a call center environment. It showed up during pregnancy, labor, and the first few months of Olivia's life.
A lot of people don't know my story, or my testimony as I like to call it. They assume that some of my quirky character traits are a result of me being crazy and/or mean. They don't understand that fear has paralyzed all of my adult life. They don't know that I don't remember how to enjoy extended moments of happiness. They don't know that I don't remember the things that used to bring me joy before February 28, 2003. They don't know that I can't keep friends because I'm easily offended and I feel like people are trying to intentionally hurt me. They don't know any of these things and they probably don't care to know.
These past 9.5 years have been a bit difficult for me, but I have been blessed abundantly despite everything. I have a wonderful husband who God created just for me. I have a beautiful, intelligent daughter who I vow to protect as long as I have breath in my body. I have a better relationship with my other family. I thank God for my blessings, but I'm ready to get this proverbial monkey off my back. So I know what I have to do.
My 26th birthday is only 3 days away, and I promise that my 26th year of life will be much better than my 25th. To God be the glory because I claim it in the name of Jesus.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)