September 14

My birthday is a big deal to me. I believe that the day I was born has really shaped my personality, so in order to prove my theory I decided to do a google search about personality traits of people born on September 14th. This is what I found:

• People born on September 14 are typically the first port of call when others want to find a solution or understand a situation better. Their critical abilities, creativity and problem-solving skills are exceptional and, because they are not afraid to rock the boat, uncover the underlying causes and tell it like it is, they have a reputation for being innovative and progressive thinkers.(Courtesy of birthdaypersonality.tumblr.com/post/6232300156/14-september-the-birthday-of-the-problem-solver)
• Compromises or half-way solutions are not in their vocabulary and their goal is always to work for improvement. Although their ability to evaluate and suggest ways to improve can make them powerful agents of change and progress, it can also earn them a number of enemies because one skill they need to finetune is tact. They don’t mean to offend other people; quite the opposite, as they often have the best interests of others at heart. It is just that they are so insightful, straightforward and direct that they don’t understand that sometimes people aren’t ready to hear the blunt, unadorned truth; they need it to be sugar coated or revealed subtly. (Courtesy of http://birthdaypersonality.tumblr.com/post/6232300156/14-september-the-birthday-of-the-problem-solver)
• Virgos born on September 14 embody the spirit of Virgo perfectionism and criticism. These complex and demanding people can be difficult to live with, but no one can doubt their sincerity. They have a humanitarian streak and always like to make an important contribution to society through their work or life-efforts. (Courtesy of http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/family/september-14-birthday-astrology.htm)
• September 14 individuals believe in doing a good job. They constantly aspire to perfection and feel insecure about their efforts if they fall short of that mark. One of their goals is to harmonically balance their professional and personal sides of their lives. This is a difficult achievement, yet the people born on this day try hard to make it possible.
• Strengths: observant, effective, efficient; Weaknesses: critical, difficult, impatient (Courtesy of http://fuckyeahvirgos.tumblr.com/post/10195909628/the-september-14th-personality-the-day-of-the)

I can honestly say that all of those these traits and characteristics describe me. It gives me insight into why I don't get along with certain types of people. I'm just too blunt and critical for people to like. On the flip side, I love to be creative, I care deeply for humanity, and I want to change the world. Clearly I have a personality that people either love or hate, and I've learned to accept that.

Now I need to go read about my husband's birthday traits to figure out how he could fall in love with someone like me.

Road to Recovery

Those of you who keep up with my blog know that I stated that I was healed a few weeks ago. I still claim my healing, but the road to recovery is still a long one.

My past rape traumas no longer control my life, but every now and then the PTSD and depression creep back up when triggered by new situations.

I hate the feeling of anxiety and being on high alert all of the time. Once the anxiety starts, my depression comes right along to remind me how much of a loser I am for being so anxious. It's a really bad combination and I'm really trying not to be buried by these feelings.

Pray for me...

I'm a Mommy Now

On Tuesday, November 6, 2012, I woke up around 6:30am nervous. I had so much anxiety concerning the election, and I decided to pray. I prayed that God would bless our nation with a leader who cared about us and our struggles. I prayed that God would guide us to make the best decision for our country at the polls and that people would not be blinded by lies. And lastly I prayed that God would keep a hedge of protection around my family no matter the outcome of the election.

I was on pins and needles the entire day and night while waiting for the outcome of the local and national elections. While I was waiting, I realized that never in my history of voting, since I turned 18 in 2004, had I ever been so concerned about the outcome of the election.

In 2004, the presidential candidate I voted for lost. I was a college freshman and I was excited about voting in my first election, but the outcome didn't seem like such a big deal to me back then.

Fast forward to 2008 when Barack Obama first ran for president, then I was in a different place. I had just graduated from college and moved to a new city where I hardly knew anyone. I was working full-time and struggling to put gas in my car and eat twice a day. I believed that Mr. Obama was the change we needed and that he would help me stop being so broke. I was thrilled to tears that he won. I cried so hard that night because I knew history had been made. I honestly never thought I would see a black family in the White House during my lifetime.

I will make a very important point here, I would have voted for Mr. Obama no matter what color his skin was. Four years prior I had no problems voting for a white man. To me it wasn't about his skin color. If Barack Obama was the Republican candidate he would have never earned my vote in 2008 or 2012.

As you can probably gather by the way this post is going, I was excited about Tuesday's election results nationally. I was pissed about how things ended up in North Carolina, but I guess you can't win them all. What mattered most to me is that the entire country wasn't trying to stay in the dark ages. It blessed my soul to witness such progress. Not only did President Obama get re-elected, but many of the Republicans who made the most idiotic comments about rape and women's rights were ousted, the first openly gay senator was elected to the Senate, the first Hindu was elected to the House, and the first Buddhist was elected to the Senate. How awesome is all of that?!?!!?

This election meant so much to me because I could be proud to raise my daughter in a country that is growing in tolerance by leaps and bounds. I never want her to go to school and experience some of the things I experienced in Shelby, NC, when I was growing up.

Olivia should never have to hear a white person use the term "nigger" when describing a certain black person they don't like while sitting in a high school math class. She should never have to share a seat on a school bus with a white boy who crafts a noose out of a tiny piece of rope who proceeds to tell her that his uncle has a tree he can hang her from in the backyard. She should never have to see more Confederate flags than American flags displayed on her classmate's attire, notebooks, backpacks, cars, and homes. She should never have the school officials tell everyone that solid colored bandanas are not allowed, but rebel flag ones are okay. She should never have to see a fight between a white boy and black boy because the white boy called a black girl a "nigger." She should never have to read on the front page of the newspaper about the KKK marching in downtown.

See growing up I experienced all of this and more. So I shouldn't have been surprised when the Facebook posts started popping up from individuals from in and around my hometown talking about the world coming to an end and Jesus coming back because Barack Obama was re-elected. I shouldn't have been surprised when people on Twitter talked about that "nigger" going back to the White House. I shouldn't have been surprised that people I consider friends, classmates, and customers have such hatred in their hearts towards a president who wants the good for everyone in America. I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was.

Most of all I was hurt because I don't want Olivia growing up in this type of America. I don't want her to be judged by her skin color. I refuse to teach her to mistreat anyone because they are different than she is. I don't care if a person is black, white, blue, red, orange, purple, or green; I don't care if a person is gay, straight, bisexual, transgender, or trisexual; I don't care what religion a person agrees with of if they have no religion at all; I will raise my daughter to respect and accept every person as an individual. I will teach her to appreciate the beauty of the diversity that is around her. And I will teach her that the best thing about America is that it's a melting pot of cultures, people, and ideas.

With all of these thoughts running through my head, I came to the realization that I'm a mommy now. As a mommy, I want the absolute best for my daughter. I'm convinced that the best is yet to come, despite the ignorance of some and I thank God that most Americans are not like the people in my hometown and many other southern towns.

It Feels Good to be Back

It's crazy how you can lose yourself for over 9 years due to your circumstances and unfortunate things that happened in your life. I'm so happy to be back to my old self. I missed the happy, vibrant, silly, exuberant, and confident Shereka. 

I don't ever want to lose myself again. The difference between now and when I lost myself, is that now I realize that I have a power on the inside of me that is so much stronger than any force that comes to attack me from the outside.

See in this game of life you must play the cards you've been dealt. If you allow your sorry hand to dictate your game plan, you're screwed.

I refuse to be screwed again, and I refuse to lose my joy again.

I used to be so apprehensive about the unknown and the future, but now I'm ready to step into my destiny. No matter what happens, I know something good will come from my life's work.

Now that the real me is back, I'm actually able to dream again. I have goals again. I want to change the world. I want to advocate for survivors. I want to motivate others. I want to be a true inspiration. I want people to see the God in me. I want to spread Christ's love. Not only do I want to do these things, but I will do these things.

It feels so good to be back and I'm ready to get things started. As the saying goes, watch me work!!

Graduation

Today I graduated from therapy. I could have said I had my last session, but saying I graduated sounds better.

I went into my therapist's office today without even knowing it would be my last time seeing her. After our usual check-in, she told me she was proud of me and that I would make an excellent advocate for domestic violence and sexual assault victims. She said that I seem like a totally different person than a month ago and it's nice to see me smile. She made me promise her that I would give her a call after I talked to my first group about domestic violence and/or sexual assault awareness.

I called my favorite cousin after my visit (since my husband was at work), and she said something that made a ton of sense: Most people stay in therapy so long because they don't acknowledge that they have a problem.

Before I started therapy, I knew that their was something broken inside of me, and I started therapy in expectation that God could work through my therapist to help me find my healing. I'm blessed beyond measure because I know I'm healed now. I am so grateful to God and so many people who have helped me in this journey to becoming a better, happier, more positive Shereka. I have the best Savior, family, friends, facebook friends, and therapist in the world.

I'll end this post with my favorite lyrics from the song, Broken But I'm Healed by Byron Cage:
     
       God can heal, He can deliver.
       He can mend your brokenness.
       He has a miracle to fit your needs,
       Once you trust Him, you will receive.

      God knows about your situation,
      But with every test and every trial there is revelation,
      That God is able to supply every one of your needs;
      He's here to touch you, heal you, He'll set you free.

Life Changes

Recently I have changed my mindset, which has changed my life.

I decided to change my negative perspective on life, which was inspired by therapy, my spiritual breakthrough, and some very good friends. A month or so ago, I never really understood how negative thoughts, had negative consequences on my life. Whenever you allow your mind to be overwhelmed by negativity, you only hurt yourself, and I can honestly say that was the reason for a majority of my anxiety and depression.

Now, I'm trying to see the positivity in everything. I won't lie and say it's easy because it's not easy at all. It is getting easier as time progresses, though.

I'm very excited about all of the changes that are taking place in my life now, instead of being apprehensive about any and everything that happens. For once I'm not even expecting the worst from all of the changes. Some of the very big changes taking place before the end of 2012 for my family and me include: my husband is turning 30, we're moving to a house in the country, and my daughter is turning 2! How awesome is that?!?!?!?!

The moral of this post is change your mind and you'll change your life.

My Breakthrough

On September 11th, I wrote about my struggles with PTSD after being raped twice. I received a lot of feedback from that post and it was mostly positive. I won't dwell on the negativity because I'm trying to change my negative view on life to a positive outlook.

Since my last post, I've started therapy. I'm not ashamed to admit that and I'm happy to be doing the work needed, so that my faith doesn't die.  ("Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." - James 2:17 NIV)

Once I started therapy I was not only diagnosed with PTSD, but clinical depression as well. A few days after that diagnosis, my temporary job ended. If I were the person I used to be, the lay-off would have sent me over the edge or deeper into depression.

I was in such a vulnerable and low state on September 11th, but now I'm bouncing back. What changed? How did I become so resilient in such a short period of time? I had a spiritual breakthrough.

Now, you may be wondering what a spiritual breakthrough is. I wondered the same thing when I was trying to define what happened to me and with my trusty tool, Google, I was able to find an answer.
  
"A spiritual breakthrough is a choice that comes out of my desire to get out of a rut in my life with God’s help and through God’s plan." - Jim Kane

The rut I experienced had  kept me from experiencing joy, peace, and happiness for over 9 years. When I wrote that blog post last month, that's when I made my choice to come of out that rut. At that time I didn't even know that was a part of my breakthrough.

Truth be told, I didn't realize I had experienced a spiritual breakthrough until yesterday when I ran across the notebook in which I had written down what that 2nd perpetrator had done to me on August 22nd and 23rd, 2006. I had blocked out so many of the details of that tragic time in my life that I didn't even remember that the dude I was dating at that time raped me more than once. I didn't realize that the things he said and did to me were actually domestic violence until I read the account yesterday.

I have read my story over 10 times since finding that notebook yesterday and I have not shed one tear. I have not allowed myself to play the victim role. I am a survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence, and I am not ashamed. I will allow God to use me the way he sees fit to spread awareness of these two societal ills until I die.

I thank God for his plan for my life. It was never my plan to blog about my experiences or to even go back to therapy. But I'm so thankful that I had my spiritual breakthrough. Now I'm learning to change the negative thoughts that have controlled my mind for so many years into positive ones, and my therapist calls this cognitive-behavior therapy. Some people of faith may call this speaking life into my situations. Either way, it's already working and I'm ecstatic.

I pray that this post will have the same impact as my last post. Thanks for reading!

It's Back

Today is Patriot Day. It's the day we remember the victims of the 9/11/2011 terrorist attacks on United States soil. For many Americans, the images of the planes crashing into the Twin Towers is burned into our memories never to be erased.

But this post is not about that. This post is about PTSD. Many survivors of 9/11 and many brave men and women who fought to protect our freedom after the attacks, face PTSD. What some people don't know is that anyone who has faced a traumatic event can have PTSD.

In my case, my PTSD is also known as Rape Trauma Syndrome.  I have been raped twice in my life. Once at age 16 and again at age 19. Two different assailants, but the same torture.

February 28, 2013, will mark the 10th anniversary of my first attack. Sometime near the end of August 2012 marked the 6th anniversary of my second attack. I blocked the date of the second attack from my mind, which is rare because I'm really good with dates.

There was a point when I couldn't even utter the "R" word. I was a prisoner in my own mind and body, but eventually I got past that with the help of Jesus, counseling, and friends.

For some reason, my PTSD is back and it has been back since about November 2011. It slowly crept back up with panic attacks, depression, flashbacks, mood swings, crying spells, angry outbursts, hypervigilance, trouble concentrating, and the need to run away from things that cause me stress.

When I think about it, my PTSD has actually reared it's head at other times in my life following my second  recovery. It has shown up every time I've worked in a call center environment. It showed up during pregnancy, labor, and the first few months of Olivia's life.  

A lot of people don't know my story, or my testimony as I like to call it. They assume that some of my quirky character traits are a result of me being crazy and/or mean. They don't understand that fear has paralyzed all of my adult life. They don't know that I don't remember how to enjoy extended moments of happiness. They don't know that I don't remember the things that used to bring me joy before February 28, 2003. They don't know that I can't keep friends because I'm easily offended and I feel like people are trying to intentionally hurt me. They don't know any of these things and they probably don't care to know.

These past 9.5 years have been a bit difficult for me, but I have been blessed abundantly despite everything. I have a wonderful husband who God created just for me. I have a beautiful, intelligent daughter who I vow to protect as long as I have breath in my body. I have a better relationship with my other family. I thank God for my blessings, but I'm ready to get this proverbial monkey off my back. So I know what I have to do.

My 26th birthday is only 3 days away, and I promise that my 26th year of life will be much better than my 25th. To God be the glory because I claim it in the name of Jesus.

Poised for a Miracle

God always separates the real from the fake in his time. I'm learning that everyone isn't for me, and I need to stop mourning dead friendships.

When you get married, you start to lose your single friends. When you get pregnant, you start to lose your childless friends. When you get closer to God, you start to lose your friends who aren't about His business. In the past 2 years I've experienced all of these things.

Progress is a slow, hard process. Sometimes it hurts. It hurts so bad that you cry. It hurts so much that you may start to question yourself. But you must try to refrain from questioning God. He makes no mistakes and He knows what's best for you. He knows who belongs in your circle, and who doesn't deserve to be in your circle.

I know God is about to bless me abundantly. He has removed so many people from my life this year, and the year is only halfway over. I know there's so much more to come and at this point I don't know what to expect. Despite my natural fear of the unknown, I'm trying my best to walk in expectancy. I'm poised for a miracle, a breakthrough, a move of God. I know it's on the way because He keeps blessing me despite myself and despite my circumstances. So I will continue to stand on His promises.

Dear Parents

As a child I always dreamt of becoming a mother. I imagined that one day I would give birth to 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls. Since becoming an adult I've faced the reality that although I'm blessed to be a mother, there is no way I'd give birth to 4 children. Despite the number of children I would like to birth decreasing, there are still some parenting ideals I've held from the time I was a child myself. The following are some things I think all parents and prospective parents should seriously consider about having babies and raising kids:

1.) Your child didn't ask to be brought into this sin-cursed world, so you shouldn't treat them like they owe you something. 

Honestly, you did your child no favor by giving birth to them. Think about the world we live in: it's filled with so much crime and many of them against children. I know so many people who were abused as young children, whether it was sexually, physically, mentally, or emotionally. Do you really think anyone would have chosen to be born into this world filled with so much pain and sorrow? I doubt it.

But as parents, you make the decision to make a baby and to give birth to that baby. There are plenty of ways to avoid becoming a parent and despite all the preventative measures available, many of us still become parents. Once the child gets here, it's your responsibility as a parent to take care of that child. You owe your child shelter, protection, provisions, love, education, so on and so forth. You are not doing your child a favor by providing food, electricity, a bed, clothes, money, or anything else they need for the 18 years or so they live under your roof. To the contrary, you actually owe your child that because of the decisions you made.

2.) Just because you brought a child into this world, it does not give you the right to take them out.

As a black woman, I've heard the saying, "I brought you into this world and I'll take you out," many times (thankfully not from my own parents). What type of effed up logic does it take to believe a statement like that? What type of sick person are you to think it's okay to threaten your child? I'd venture to say that if you think that way, you probably don't deserve children.

Please refer back to point 1: your child didn't ask to be here. So once again, you bringing them into this world was no favor to them. Your child didn't ask to experience a lifetime filled with ups and downs, joys and pain. Just because you found it necessary to give birth to them, it doesn't mean you can treat them any type of way. Just because a child may disobey you or do something contrary to your liking, it doesn't mean you have the right to beat them like a slave. You really don't have the right to put your hands on anybody. Although I grew up in a household that believed in spankings, and I even find spanking a necessary disciplinary measure in extreme cases, I will never think it's okay for anyone to put their hands to another person's face, neck, upper body, or the like. I find this especially true for parents.

When you put your hands on someone in an abusive manner, you are not only bringing physical pain to them, but emotional anguish and humiliation as well. As a parent who acts in this manner towards a child, I would even venture to say you're setting this child up for a future filled with abuse. Think about it, if a child's mother or father beats her in the face, chokes her out, spits on her, etc, why wouldn't that child grow up to think it's okay for her significant other to do the same thing. Oftentimes, a person's significant other provides some of the same things that a parent previously provided: food, shelter, money, clothes, shoes, and things like that. So if you are an abused child who grows up to be in an adult relationship and you disrespect or disobey your significant other, will that person not also have the right to beat you into submission and obedience?

As a parent, you wouldn't want to see your child abused by her significant other, but what can you really say if you treated the child in the same manner? You can't say jack squat because you're the person who raised that child to think it's okay for someone to put their hands on them and to demean them. 


3.) If you are having a hard time raising your child, maybe you should ask for help.

I know there are some parents who do their best to raise their kids in a proper manner, and their kids will push them to their limit by being disobedient, defiant, and disrespectful. These parents may be at the point in which they don't know what to do or where to turn. They don't want to fail as parents, so they think going to extreme measures will bring their kids back in line. Parents are not perfect and raising kids, especially teens, can be very difficult, but sometimes as a parent you must be responsible enough to think like an adult. Most children don't have the mental capacity to think like an adult, so parents must step up to the plate and play their positions.

If your child is acting out to the point you won't to take drastic measures, you may want to investigate why your child is acting out. Kids don't know how to handle adult situations; I know from experience. If parents ask the right questions, instead of jumping into discipline mode they may find the underlying cause for their child's outlandish behavior. As a parent you may not be equipped to handle everything your child is going through. Despite what many of my black counterparts think, it's okay to turn to Jesus and counseling. You should never be ashamed to get your child or yourself professional help if you're faced with a situation that you cannot handle alone.

Despite what some people say, you can't beat everything out of a child or expect God to magically change the situation. God has placed people in different professions and positions to help us, and you must learn to take advantage of the help.

I won't sit up here and act like I'm an expert parent. I'm actually a very new parent in the grand scheme of things, but I do have over 25 years experience of being someone's child. Oftentimes I think back to the times when I was a teenager and my adult self realizes I could have handled things better and told my parents what was going on with me instead of acting out. My adult, new parent self  also looks back from time to time and thinks that my parents could have asked me more questions to figure out what was going on with me, as well.

Most of you who will read this blog post, won't know my story. One day I may be able to share it with you, but today is not that day. Just know that I'm not trying to bash your parenting skills or call you an unfit parent. I'm just expressing my opinions based on my experiences. Peace,blessings, and happy parenting to all of you!

It's the Anointing

It has been almost a year since I last blogged. A lot has has happened over that year. I've become a working mom, a Master's degree recipient, an unemployed mom, a working mom, an unemployed mom, and a business woman all in that short period of time.

I've been up and I've been down. I've been happy, depressed, and anxious.

I've lost an aunt unnaturally and I've lost two aunts naturally.

This post won't be about any of that. This post will be about how I have had faith, lost faith, and regained faith.

I've had faith
At my last job, I had become extremely depressed and anxious. It was not the place for me. I couldn't handle it. I cried daily on the drive in. Some days I cried on my lunch hour. I had panic attacks during my calls with customers. I literally put customers on hold to have panic attacks in the bathroom. It was not a good life for me. A panic disorder is not a good life for anybody, especially when it's triggered by work. If you're going to be at a place 40 hours a week, you must be able to bear it right? So I decided to step out on faith and quit my job. In my heart of hearts I knew God would not let me down. He would bless me with a job, preferably in my HR field. I would use my degree to his glory and be happy all the while. I had so much faith. I rejoiced on my last day of work. God had me. The devil was defeated. My soul was free at last from oppression. I even had an interview lined up for the week after my last week of work. Watch God work!! Hallelujah!!!

I've lost faith
I went into that interview with my natural teeny weeny afro slicked back into a wavy corporate number. I was suited and booted, with my purse in one hand and my resume portfolio case in the other. I was ready to knock that sucker out and start working in my HR position ASAP. Then this thing happened where the receptionist said the interviewer didn't have any interviews scheduled for that day and she told me the position had been filled. How could this be? How could someone call me and specifically give me the date and time to be there for a position I had applied for? I still had a record of the phone call on my phone. That's when I lost faith. Oh shoot, this whole job search thing will not be a walk in the park. What am I going to do? What is my family going to do? I thought God had me. 

A few more interviews passed over the next couple months. At one interview when I hit the interviewer with my money question I learned at my internship, she answered with she was apprehensive about me working there because she could tell I was shy. What the world? Shy? Yeah, I may be a little quiet. You may even consider me shy. But that's no excuse to disregard me from a position in which a) I'm qualified for and b) I'd sitting at a computer all day. Being shy has never thwarted any of my goals, dreams, aspirations, academic achievements, or work achievements.

Seriously, God, do you have me? I mean what is really going on? I'm starting to think you're playing with my emotions. Do you want to see your child hurt and struggle? Did I do something wrong? Oh shoot, I was suppose to stay at that job and continue to suffer from anxiety and not do my work to the best of my ability so I could eventually get fired. I guess that was your plan, huh? You wanted me to suffer like in the old testament days. I thought when Jesus came, you switched some of that stuff up. 

My faith was so far gone. I was questioning God left and right. I was a crying mess. I got so low that most days I didn't even want to pray. What was the point?

I've regained faith
April 29th started off like most Sundays. My family and I prepared for church. We got there and took our seats in the balcony. I noticed most of the women of the church were dressed in white, which was strange.  I forgot it was Women's Day and we had a guest preacher, Pam McLaughlin of Mt. Olivet Baptist Church in Petersburg, VA.

I was relieved Olivia went to sleep right away, so I could freely receive the word from God and get my praise on without having to take her downstairs to calm down or to change a diaper. I was sitting there in expectation of a get me happy type sermon. You know the sermon where the preacher says your breakthrough is on the way. One of those get up and praise God in advance because the blessings are about rain down so much that you won't have room to receive them type joints. I was ready to hear that confirmation of "someone in this congregation today is about to receive a job."

The sermon didn't quite go that way. It started off a little slow in my book. It was one of those teaching sermons, but I didn't think my heart or mind was open to receiving a teaching word. I wanted to be preached happy.

Rev. McLaughlin was teaching us about the elements of the anointing oil that Mary the sister of Lazarus and Martha used on Christ's feet. She taught us about how each of the siblings played a role in the way they worshiped God. She taught that Mary had something different. She wasn't like Martha, who wanted to help out anywhere she could. Martha had a serving spirit. Mary wasn't like Lazarus. Lazarus was a walking testimony because he had been raised from the dead and he naturally brought people together for the Lord.

Throughout the sermon, the reverend would alternate between the discussion about the ingredients of the anointing oil and the siblings' characteristics, but it was something special about the way she talked about that oil that Mary used. Each element seemed so special and unique. When Rev. McLaughlin got to the part about beating the rod of one of the ingredients (it may have been cassia but don't quote me). She explained how it had to be beaten in order to go into the oil, just as Jesus had to be beaten before he died on the cross. That's when something strange happened. She said that someone in the church had been going on interviews and hearing no over and over again. That person felt crazy because they wouldn't stop applying for jobs even though they had heard no so many times. That's when the tears streamed down my face. How could she know this? At this point I had applied for well over 100 jobs. I had been offered regular or phone interviews for about 5 of them, but I kept hearing no. My faith was shot, but for some reason I couldn't stop applying for jobs. She had an explanation though - it's the anointing.

Hold up, wait, stop the presses. I've been going to church for a long time, over 25 years to be exact. I accepted Christ as my Lord and savior at the tender age of 4. I've never thought about having an anointing. I wasn't even quite sure what the anointing was for most of my life. I can't even tell you if I'm sure of what it is now. In other words, I've never considered myself an anointed individual. There are many other terms and phrases in the bible that could describe me at different points in my life: backslider, ye of little faith, joyful noise maker, mourner, person with faith to move mountains, etc. Anointed has never ever been in my vocabulary. Rev. McLaughlin said the anointing requires you to get beat down. In order to have this special gift from God you had to get a taste of what it felt like to be beaten down just like that one ingredient in the anointing oil.

Then the preacher made a point about why do you think all these "crazy" people are drawn to you that you cannot get away from. She said there are people in your life, but you don't understand why they are there. She explained that God assigns people to us. We're suppose to help them. There's a reason for them being in our lives when we're getting the anointing. This made me think about a few strange things that happened to me where I was led to talk to certain individuals about certain situations that God revealed to me. At the time of the revelations, I had no idea why these things were revealed to me. I thought it was strange. I cried and I prayed. I was hesitant, but I did what the Lord required me to do. Here's the thing, when I have these revelations about people, I don't really know them. These aren't people I'm close to in my day to day life. They're almost like random strangers that I feel strongly connected to for no apparent reason.

At some point the reverend finished the sermon, but she wasn't done yet. I was still in tears. I was hot. I was sweaty. My legs felt weak. I was shaking. I had a chill. There was like a thick air in the church. It's hard to explain if you've never experienced it before. The preacher said it was the glory falling down. It was a strangely intense sensation. That's the only way I know to explain it. It had to be the glory.

The preacher still wasn't done. She started speaking in tongues. At my church we don't really have people speaking in tongues. Sometimes people shout, but a lot of them stop when the drummer stops. I'm just being real. Our preacher doesn't lay hands. No one passes out. No one prophesies. It's just not like that. To be honest with you, I always liked it that way. I never really believed in that extra stuff. I had seen it on tv and it looked fake to me. Boy was I wrong. Don't ever question people's worship. Just because you haven't ever experienced it, it doesn't mean it's not real.

The preacher didn't stop with speaking in tongues. She started prophesying. It was crazy. She started laying hands on people's knees and foreheads. People who to my knowledge had never spoken in tongues, spoke in tongues that day. People were falling out. Prayer clothes and sheets were placed over those stretched on the floor. It was real. I could still feel the thickness in the air. My legs felt so weak, but I continued to stand. I stood for over an hour.

Rev. McLaughlin started calling names. She said the spirit was giving her so many names. She said Sherell. She was like is there a Sherell in the building. Maybe a Sherea (pronounced Shereka without the "k"). That's when things got even realer for me. Shereka is not a common name. People don't pop out the blue with Shereka or anything close to my name. In my heart of hearts and soul of souls, I know the spirit was trying to tell the preacher my name. I almost left the balcony, but a young girl named Sherell popped up and the preacher spoke to her instead. It was fine though. I got the message the Trinity wanted me to have. My faith is renewed. I'm restored. There's a purpose for my life. There's a reason why I'm going through what I'm going through. Eventually the process will be over. Eventually I will have what God intended for me to have, but first I have to go through this. I have to do His work and live out His will for my life.

I may not know what career I'm suppose to have, but that day, I realized what spiritual gift I have. Thank you for your revelations dear God. I may not be the best Christian. Some people may even find me controversial, but guess what: God is not through with me yet. I'm his child. He loves me. He created me with a purpose. I'm here for a reason. I'm not going anywhere. I love God. I love my brothers and sisters in Christ. I love those who have not found Him yet. I'm blessed with a God who continues to provide for me no matter what. I'm blessed with a God who reigns over the just and the unjust. As His child it's not my business to go around trying to tell people where they will spend eternity. I'm not the Judge. I'm not even in the jury. God doesn't need a jury. I have to let my light shine. No, I said that wrong. I have to let His light shine through me so others can see Him in me. God is love. God is real.