It Feels Good to be Back

It's crazy how you can lose yourself for over 9 years due to your circumstances and unfortunate things that happened in your life. I'm so happy to be back to my old self. I missed the happy, vibrant, silly, exuberant, and confident Shereka. 

I don't ever want to lose myself again. The difference between now and when I lost myself, is that now I realize that I have a power on the inside of me that is so much stronger than any force that comes to attack me from the outside.

See in this game of life you must play the cards you've been dealt. If you allow your sorry hand to dictate your game plan, you're screwed.

I refuse to be screwed again, and I refuse to lose my joy again.

I used to be so apprehensive about the unknown and the future, but now I'm ready to step into my destiny. No matter what happens, I know something good will come from my life's work.

Now that the real me is back, I'm actually able to dream again. I have goals again. I want to change the world. I want to advocate for survivors. I want to motivate others. I want to be a true inspiration. I want people to see the God in me. I want to spread Christ's love. Not only do I want to do these things, but I will do these things.

It feels so good to be back and I'm ready to get things started. As the saying goes, watch me work!!

Graduation

Today I graduated from therapy. I could have said I had my last session, but saying I graduated sounds better.

I went into my therapist's office today without even knowing it would be my last time seeing her. After our usual check-in, she told me she was proud of me and that I would make an excellent advocate for domestic violence and sexual assault victims. She said that I seem like a totally different person than a month ago and it's nice to see me smile. She made me promise her that I would give her a call after I talked to my first group about domestic violence and/or sexual assault awareness.

I called my favorite cousin after my visit (since my husband was at work), and she said something that made a ton of sense: Most people stay in therapy so long because they don't acknowledge that they have a problem.

Before I started therapy, I knew that their was something broken inside of me, and I started therapy in expectation that God could work through my therapist to help me find my healing. I'm blessed beyond measure because I know I'm healed now. I am so grateful to God and so many people who have helped me in this journey to becoming a better, happier, more positive Shereka. I have the best Savior, family, friends, facebook friends, and therapist in the world.

I'll end this post with my favorite lyrics from the song, Broken But I'm Healed by Byron Cage:
     
       God can heal, He can deliver.
       He can mend your brokenness.
       He has a miracle to fit your needs,
       Once you trust Him, you will receive.

      God knows about your situation,
      But with every test and every trial there is revelation,
      That God is able to supply every one of your needs;
      He's here to touch you, heal you, He'll set you free.

Life Changes

Recently I have changed my mindset, which has changed my life.

I decided to change my negative perspective on life, which was inspired by therapy, my spiritual breakthrough, and some very good friends. A month or so ago, I never really understood how negative thoughts, had negative consequences on my life. Whenever you allow your mind to be overwhelmed by negativity, you only hurt yourself, and I can honestly say that was the reason for a majority of my anxiety and depression.

Now, I'm trying to see the positivity in everything. I won't lie and say it's easy because it's not easy at all. It is getting easier as time progresses, though.

I'm very excited about all of the changes that are taking place in my life now, instead of being apprehensive about any and everything that happens. For once I'm not even expecting the worst from all of the changes. Some of the very big changes taking place before the end of 2012 for my family and me include: my husband is turning 30, we're moving to a house in the country, and my daughter is turning 2! How awesome is that?!?!?!?!

The moral of this post is change your mind and you'll change your life.

My Breakthrough

On September 11th, I wrote about my struggles with PTSD after being raped twice. I received a lot of feedback from that post and it was mostly positive. I won't dwell on the negativity because I'm trying to change my negative view on life to a positive outlook.

Since my last post, I've started therapy. I'm not ashamed to admit that and I'm happy to be doing the work needed, so that my faith doesn't die.  ("Thus also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." - James 2:17 NIV)

Once I started therapy I was not only diagnosed with PTSD, but clinical depression as well. A few days after that diagnosis, my temporary job ended. If I were the person I used to be, the lay-off would have sent me over the edge or deeper into depression.

I was in such a vulnerable and low state on September 11th, but now I'm bouncing back. What changed? How did I become so resilient in such a short period of time? I had a spiritual breakthrough.

Now, you may be wondering what a spiritual breakthrough is. I wondered the same thing when I was trying to define what happened to me and with my trusty tool, Google, I was able to find an answer.
  
"A spiritual breakthrough is a choice that comes out of my desire to get out of a rut in my life with God’s help and through God’s plan." - Jim Kane

The rut I experienced had  kept me from experiencing joy, peace, and happiness for over 9 years. When I wrote that blog post last month, that's when I made my choice to come of out that rut. At that time I didn't even know that was a part of my breakthrough.

Truth be told, I didn't realize I had experienced a spiritual breakthrough until yesterday when I ran across the notebook in which I had written down what that 2nd perpetrator had done to me on August 22nd and 23rd, 2006. I had blocked out so many of the details of that tragic time in my life that I didn't even remember that the dude I was dating at that time raped me more than once. I didn't realize that the things he said and did to me were actually domestic violence until I read the account yesterday.

I have read my story over 10 times since finding that notebook yesterday and I have not shed one tear. I have not allowed myself to play the victim role. I am a survivor of sexual assault and domestic violence, and I am not ashamed. I will allow God to use me the way he sees fit to spread awareness of these two societal ills until I die.

I thank God for his plan for my life. It was never my plan to blog about my experiences or to even go back to therapy. But I'm so thankful that I had my spiritual breakthrough. Now I'm learning to change the negative thoughts that have controlled my mind for so many years into positive ones, and my therapist calls this cognitive-behavior therapy. Some people of faith may call this speaking life into my situations. Either way, it's already working and I'm ecstatic.

I pray that this post will have the same impact as my last post. Thanks for reading!

It's Back

Today is Patriot Day. It's the day we remember the victims of the 9/11/2011 terrorist attacks on United States soil. For many Americans, the images of the planes crashing into the Twin Towers is burned into our memories never to be erased.

But this post is not about that. This post is about PTSD. Many survivors of 9/11 and many brave men and women who fought to protect our freedom after the attacks, face PTSD. What some people don't know is that anyone who has faced a traumatic event can have PTSD.

In my case, my PTSD is also known as Rape Trauma Syndrome.  I have been raped twice in my life. Once at age 16 and again at age 19. Two different assailants, but the same torture.

February 28, 2013, will mark the 10th anniversary of my first attack. Sometime near the end of August 2012 marked the 6th anniversary of my second attack. I blocked the date of the second attack from my mind, which is rare because I'm really good with dates.

There was a point when I couldn't even utter the "R" word. I was a prisoner in my own mind and body, but eventually I got past that with the help of Jesus, counseling, and friends.

For some reason, my PTSD is back and it has been back since about November 2011. It slowly crept back up with panic attacks, depression, flashbacks, mood swings, crying spells, angry outbursts, hypervigilance, trouble concentrating, and the need to run away from things that cause me stress.

When I think about it, my PTSD has actually reared it's head at other times in my life following my second  recovery. It has shown up every time I've worked in a call center environment. It showed up during pregnancy, labor, and the first few months of Olivia's life.  

A lot of people don't know my story, or my testimony as I like to call it. They assume that some of my quirky character traits are a result of me being crazy and/or mean. They don't understand that fear has paralyzed all of my adult life. They don't know that I don't remember how to enjoy extended moments of happiness. They don't know that I don't remember the things that used to bring me joy before February 28, 2003. They don't know that I can't keep friends because I'm easily offended and I feel like people are trying to intentionally hurt me. They don't know any of these things and they probably don't care to know.

These past 9.5 years have been a bit difficult for me, but I have been blessed abundantly despite everything. I have a wonderful husband who God created just for me. I have a beautiful, intelligent daughter who I vow to protect as long as I have breath in my body. I have a better relationship with my other family. I thank God for my blessings, but I'm ready to get this proverbial monkey off my back. So I know what I have to do.

My 26th birthday is only 3 days away, and I promise that my 26th year of life will be much better than my 25th. To God be the glory because I claim it in the name of Jesus.

Poised for a Miracle

God always separates the real from the fake in his time. I'm learning that everyone isn't for me, and I need to stop mourning dead friendships.

When you get married, you start to lose your single friends. When you get pregnant, you start to lose your childless friends. When you get closer to God, you start to lose your friends who aren't about His business. In the past 2 years I've experienced all of these things.

Progress is a slow, hard process. Sometimes it hurts. It hurts so bad that you cry. It hurts so much that you may start to question yourself. But you must try to refrain from questioning God. He makes no mistakes and He knows what's best for you. He knows who belongs in your circle, and who doesn't deserve to be in your circle.

I know God is about to bless me abundantly. He has removed so many people from my life this year, and the year is only halfway over. I know there's so much more to come and at this point I don't know what to expect. Despite my natural fear of the unknown, I'm trying my best to walk in expectancy. I'm poised for a miracle, a breakthrough, a move of God. I know it's on the way because He keeps blessing me despite myself and despite my circumstances. So I will continue to stand on His promises.

Dear Parents

As a child I always dreamt of becoming a mother. I imagined that one day I would give birth to 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls. Since becoming an adult I've faced the reality that although I'm blessed to be a mother, there is no way I'd give birth to 4 children. Despite the number of children I would like to birth decreasing, there are still some parenting ideals I've held from the time I was a child myself. The following are some things I think all parents and prospective parents should seriously consider about having babies and raising kids:

1.) Your child didn't ask to be brought into this sin-cursed world, so you shouldn't treat them like they owe you something. 

Honestly, you did your child no favor by giving birth to them. Think about the world we live in: it's filled with so much crime and many of them against children. I know so many people who were abused as young children, whether it was sexually, physically, mentally, or emotionally. Do you really think anyone would have chosen to be born into this world filled with so much pain and sorrow? I doubt it.

But as parents, you make the decision to make a baby and to give birth to that baby. There are plenty of ways to avoid becoming a parent and despite all the preventative measures available, many of us still become parents. Once the child gets here, it's your responsibility as a parent to take care of that child. You owe your child shelter, protection, provisions, love, education, so on and so forth. You are not doing your child a favor by providing food, electricity, a bed, clothes, money, or anything else they need for the 18 years or so they live under your roof. To the contrary, you actually owe your child that because of the decisions you made.

2.) Just because you brought a child into this world, it does not give you the right to take them out.

As a black woman, I've heard the saying, "I brought you into this world and I'll take you out," many times (thankfully not from my own parents). What type of effed up logic does it take to believe a statement like that? What type of sick person are you to think it's okay to threaten your child? I'd venture to say that if you think that way, you probably don't deserve children.

Please refer back to point 1: your child didn't ask to be here. So once again, you bringing them into this world was no favor to them. Your child didn't ask to experience a lifetime filled with ups and downs, joys and pain. Just because you found it necessary to give birth to them, it doesn't mean you can treat them any type of way. Just because a child may disobey you or do something contrary to your liking, it doesn't mean you have the right to beat them like a slave. You really don't have the right to put your hands on anybody. Although I grew up in a household that believed in spankings, and I even find spanking a necessary disciplinary measure in extreme cases, I will never think it's okay for anyone to put their hands to another person's face, neck, upper body, or the like. I find this especially true for parents.

When you put your hands on someone in an abusive manner, you are not only bringing physical pain to them, but emotional anguish and humiliation as well. As a parent who acts in this manner towards a child, I would even venture to say you're setting this child up for a future filled with abuse. Think about it, if a child's mother or father beats her in the face, chokes her out, spits on her, etc, why wouldn't that child grow up to think it's okay for her significant other to do the same thing. Oftentimes, a person's significant other provides some of the same things that a parent previously provided: food, shelter, money, clothes, shoes, and things like that. So if you are an abused child who grows up to be in an adult relationship and you disrespect or disobey your significant other, will that person not also have the right to beat you into submission and obedience?

As a parent, you wouldn't want to see your child abused by her significant other, but what can you really say if you treated the child in the same manner? You can't say jack squat because you're the person who raised that child to think it's okay for someone to put their hands on them and to demean them. 


3.) If you are having a hard time raising your child, maybe you should ask for help.

I know there are some parents who do their best to raise their kids in a proper manner, and their kids will push them to their limit by being disobedient, defiant, and disrespectful. These parents may be at the point in which they don't know what to do or where to turn. They don't want to fail as parents, so they think going to extreme measures will bring their kids back in line. Parents are not perfect and raising kids, especially teens, can be very difficult, but sometimes as a parent you must be responsible enough to think like an adult. Most children don't have the mental capacity to think like an adult, so parents must step up to the plate and play their positions.

If your child is acting out to the point you won't to take drastic measures, you may want to investigate why your child is acting out. Kids don't know how to handle adult situations; I know from experience. If parents ask the right questions, instead of jumping into discipline mode they may find the underlying cause for their child's outlandish behavior. As a parent you may not be equipped to handle everything your child is going through. Despite what many of my black counterparts think, it's okay to turn to Jesus and counseling. You should never be ashamed to get your child or yourself professional help if you're faced with a situation that you cannot handle alone.

Despite what some people say, you can't beat everything out of a child or expect God to magically change the situation. God has placed people in different professions and positions to help us, and you must learn to take advantage of the help.

I won't sit up here and act like I'm an expert parent. I'm actually a very new parent in the grand scheme of things, but I do have over 25 years experience of being someone's child. Oftentimes I think back to the times when I was a teenager and my adult self realizes I could have handled things better and told my parents what was going on with me instead of acting out. My adult, new parent self  also looks back from time to time and thinks that my parents could have asked me more questions to figure out what was going on with me, as well.

Most of you who will read this blog post, won't know my story. One day I may be able to share it with you, but today is not that day. Just know that I'm not trying to bash your parenting skills or call you an unfit parent. I'm just expressing my opinions based on my experiences. Peace,blessings, and happy parenting to all of you!